I
You don’t know what you’re feeling,
not most of the time
unless you loosen the hinges,
start drowning in wine
As you plead and you gasp,
try to shut it back in,
as you bargain for air and your lungs are
screaming
That’s when he’ll find you
and he’ll offer his hand
You’ll thank your kind saviour
as you head to dry land
Coerced, young, and foolish,
you believe what you’re told
As he tightens his grip you think
you’re the one in control
But tell me my child,
can you remember your name?
At some point you’ve forgotten
Now you’re part of his game
The setting grows colder
It’s fading to black
And now you’re still drowning
with fresh marks in your back
II
You came here because
you wanted to feel something
More than you wanted love
you wanted to know
that you were capable of it
And you are…
or you were
But now it’s just another
emotional notch in your bedpost
Another hole in your belt
As you grow fatter with
experience you grow
less and less satisfied
Your waistline shrinks
and your cheek bones emerge
and you know the more you feel
the more you need to feel
You’re a sensational bulimic
Couches and dead flowers
and arguments and cleaning
the bathroom
This is your life now
You’re a modern day housewife
parading around in cloaked
dissatisfaction,
coining a front of charisma
so convincing,
for a second even you
thought it could be real
Your senses are numb
but for the scent of bleach
and boredom
As you rest your head
on his chest
his heartbeat reminds you
of your own mortality
You are ageing and
you’re dying
and the longer you wait
the faster it eats away
At least in the cold
you were preserved
on ice
You kept your heart
on the rocks for two decades
and now exposed it quivers
and threatens to crack
Yet you’re sure you can live
without it
So you seek solace in the flesh
of others
digging your nails in and
feeding off their emotions
and reactions
You draw blood as quickly
as you draw a crowd
You timed this,
you planned this
like clockwork
And you pretend you’re unsure
but immorality has always
had a special place in your bones
You’re a psychological vampire
And as you emerge
with fresh claw marks
down your back
you know neither is this “it”
There has to be something more
you can feel
There has to be something more
I can feel
III
Your eyes
unlike oceans
show the shallow depths
of swamps
and in their muddy waters
I see not blues but browns
There are teeth
that let go at no cost
There are claws
that tear
until you are raw
Reptilian,
you take and abhor
until you need another
and swim back into shore
IV
You’re like a full bladder
an empty bottle of wine
everything you say doesn’t matter
and you take up too much of my time
You talk and you push
and I wish you’d just leave
I’ll drink ’til you drown
and I’ll plan to deceive
You’ll wake up tomorrow
to clean up my mess
and that’s why I keep you:
my tired conscience
V
If it isn’t catastrophic
If it isn’t cataclysmic
then I don’t want anything to do with it
If it doesn’t clutch at my throat
and splinter my bones
then I don’t want anything to do with it
I don’t want half-ways
or “some day”s
I don’t want forever
or always
I don’t want anything to do with it
If it doesn’t inspire
and it isn’t this instant
then I don’t want anything to do with it
If it doesn’t gratify my wants
and set fire to my needs
then I don’t want anything to do with it
I don’t want 9-5’s
and staying barely alive
I don’t want insurance or security
I don’t want routine or mundanity
I don’t want truth
or sincerity
I don’t want confession
or honesty
I want worn flesh
and chapped lips
I want high winds,
an apocalypse
I want bruised thighs
and shattered lights
I want believed lies
and ruined lives
I want matted hair
and nails across skin
I want Christ cast out
and the Devil in
I don’t want hesitation,
or useless contemplation
I want here and now
instant gratification
I don’t want soft
I don’t want gentle
I want to come apart
watch as you dismantle
I don’t want conscience
I don’t want conviction
I want reveled sin
soaked in inhibition
I don’t want subtlety
I can’t stand euphemism
I just want you and me
lost in hedonism
VI
Looking up from the cracks
I see the dirt on your shoes
and it won’t break your back
to step over my view
The heat seeps from beneath,
The flames cased in cement
As to whether you’ll join me,
we are all in suspense
I clutch at the sediment
until my fingers turn black
I did not mean to leave you
I just fell through the cracks
Yes, the company’s fair
and the wine never stops
There are thousands down here
That Time and God forgot
But it’s lonely, you know
here at Lucifer’s side
That’s why if you look low
You might still see my eyes
Glinting up from their prison
looking up from the flames
I thought I was special
Down here we’re all the same
The next time you’re walking
take a peek down below
For the cracks that you trod on
might be someone you know
frommadness 